The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is crucial for our physical, mental and spiritual health.

 At worst it eventually causes disease in our body. It has long been established that our bodies and minds and spirits are all interconnected. Whether we believe it or not. It is true.

Before we come to the ‘how’ of  forgiveness let us look at the anatomy of forgiveness.

When we are wronged in some way, it is like a snake bite. The snake bites, slithers away and forgets what has happened. Perpetrators of acts of violence whether physical or verbal soon forget about the victim. It is the victim who is left with the pain and the poison in their being.

The bite doesn’t kill us, the poison does. Let me explain.

The Puff Adder snake, (Bitis Arietans), kills more people in Africa than any other snake. Lack of forgiveness ‘kills’ more people in spirit & indirectly physically  than any other psychological barrier to our well being in the world.

Hollow fangs

Lunch!

                          

     The reason the Puff Adder is so
    dangerous is that it is slow and muscular. No more than a meter long.It moves slowly when it feels the vibrations of  human feet on a path in the mountains or veld.It also has excellent camouflage. Because it can’t use speed to escape it has developed a very effective method of attack. It launches itself into the air in order to bite the victim with its centimeter hollow fangs .It never stalks humans. It only bites when threatened. The perpetrators of violence both physical and emotional are acting from their own pain all of the time.This doesn’t excuse what they do. Most of the time the perpetrator is unaware at best and at worst think they are doing the right thing in inflicting pain on a victim.

 
 

Slow!

Some people excuse their behavior  by quoting the stupid saying? "You have to be cruel to be kind". What it is saying is that you can hurt someone else because the intention is to help the victim. However this is utter rubbish!

                                                         

Through various studies on serial killers they are now known to have little or no physical touch in the early and crucial years of their lives. This usually comes from the mother. The victims of serial killers are usually women. Deep down these men ‘hate’ women as a result of the lack of love and touch from their mothers in particular.



He probably lost his finger! Maybe more!

The poison from a Puff Adder destroys blood cells and tissue almost immediately. Coming from South Africa, I know someone who was bitten by a Puff Adder. He tells me that the bite was almost painless. But the poison injected caused him to lose his leg a year later. Most people do survive if they get the antiserum.

When we don’t forgive we allow the poison from the bite to "kill" us emotionally and even physically. We can survive. But if we are to move from just surviving to becoming victors then we need to find the ‘antivenom’ as outlined below.

I know this from my own life. My father died when I was twelve. My mother found me difficult to handle so she handed me over to my brother. He was twenty eight years old, married with two small children. He was angry at my father’s death. He transferred this anger onto me. He beat me, humiliated me and almost destroyed my self-esteem. Somehow I was able to stand up and overcome the ‘bite’. I went into the South African Defense Force and vowed never to be at anyone’s mercy again. Through my life, outwardly I was successful but inside the poison ate away at me. I was filled with anger. I was unaware that my lack of forgiveness was holding me back from an abundant life. If only I knew then what I know now! For twenty years I never spoke to 
this brother. Before I forgave him, I often wanted to fly to his city and beat the dickens out of him.

Then in November 2004 I was conducting a course for Volvo in his home city of Port Elizabeth, South Africa. I phoned him and arranged to meet. We met. I told him in no uncertain manner what I thought of him and of the pain he had caused me. Do you know what he said? He said: "you are exaggerating and I was only trying to help you" Helping me by beating me and making me feel like a worm.

I got up from my chair with the intention of beating him to a pulp. We squared up to fight. Fortunately in that moment I decided instead to forgive him. I felt pity for him. Then I put my arms around him and said: ‘Gary, I forgive you’. His pathetic response was: "you are so emotional, aren’t you"?  I forgave him anyway. I actually felt sorry for him. He was so unaware and so unemotional. My spirit was free at last. We shared dinner and kept in contact. In December I got a call from his wife to say he had been diagnosed with a malignant tumor on the brain. Can you believe it? What timing! He died in February 2005!  

Now I can see that much positive has come out of that terrible personal experience. I have become more compassionate, especially towards those who have no defense and are hurt by others. I am a more sensitive and caring person as a result. My spiritual side grew immensely. I became strong as a man. A real man. I started to shed the  macho man that was so much part of my life until then. This was especially helpful in the army where "ninnys" are victimized and bullied. At that moment I became a victor over my past circumstances.

A lady once stood up in one of my seminars and told us that she had been raped when she was young. For a long time she told us that she couldn’t forgive. That is understandable. Eventually she did forgive her attacker.At that moment she moved from being a victim to being a victor over her circumstances.

A young woman of 26 years old came to see me more counselling a few years ago. She had been raped when she was 16 years old. She became pregnant as a result and gave the baby up for adoption. She did all this without telling anyone, including her parents, except medical staff. Somehow no one realized she was pregnant.

When she came to see me she had just seen her rapist in a night club for the first time since the rape. He even greeted her and was ‘flirty’ with her. She was disgusted. In a moment all the pain flooded back to her conscious mind. All the anger and bitterness. None of these emotions had ever left her. She had repressed them. However at a sub-conscious level they poisoned her spirit and caused her to hate all men. Now she wanted to get a ‘hit’ man to kill her rapist. Slowly but surely she was able to forgive.She is now in a happy long term relationship and living a full life as a victor over her horrific experience.

 In the build-up to the 1995 democratic election in South Africa, some evil atrocities were commited.One such evil deed was when American Amy Beale, a volunteer in South Africa, was stoned to death in one of the townships of Cape Town. You can’t imagine the grief of her parents. But they eventually met and forgave the men who had murdered their daughter. They were able to forgive them. That seems impossible but they did. To show their forgiveness they set-up the Amy Bealle Foundation in South Africa to help under privileged people in South Africa. And wait for it … they have even helped and given jobs to the men who murdered her. I met Linda Beale at the launching of the Desmond Tutu Diversity Trust. What an amazing human being. Full of love. No bitterness. No poison inside her. She said to me: "I am sure that this is what Amy would have wanted". Peter & Linda are no longer victims but victors over the circumstances of what happened to their beloved daughter.

If Peter & Linda Beale could forgive in that miraculous way, then so can you and I. If Peter & Linda could sit with us and talk about our experiences of pain in our circumstances, they would tell us to forgive whoever has wronged us. Not for the perpetrator’s sake but for our own sake!  

Google the Amy Beale Foundation for more about the work they are doing. Also have a look at the following website page on forgiveness where the Beales are mentioned: www.firstparish.org/cms/sermons/805-forgiveness

The question is – how do we forgive?

 

Firstly let’s look at what forgiveness is not.

People think that forgiveness is condoning or overlooking the actions of those who have perpetrated wrongs. To think this way is to misinterpret the meaning of forgiveness. Sometimes it justifys the reason to hold on to feelings such as: anger, bitterness, resentment and a desire to take revenge.

# Forgiveness is not excusing

   We excuse someone who is blameless for his or her actions. Those who intentionally wrong others, need to take the consequences of their behaviour and actions.

# Forgiveness is not reconciliation

   We can forgive without having to reconcile or even maintaining contact with the person being forgiven.

# Forgiveness is not tolerance

   Giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors is not what forgiveness is all about.

# Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending that something did not happen

   This is denial. Whatever occurred did take place and we need to learn from it without holding on to the pain.

   At its most extreme, the feelings listed in the previous paragraph lead to murder and suicide. These are the ultimate actions of those consumed with negative feelings towards others or oneself.

People, who refuse to forgive, continuously live in the past. They hold on to hurt and pain as though it’s a precious mantle that must be preserved. In so doing they re-experience wrongdoings repeatedly and remain bound to something that has long since past.

Unwillingness to forgive creates emotional cripples, causing unhappiness and corroding peace of mind. Psychologists regard a lack of forgiveness as one of the main causes of psychological distress.

# Physical wellness   

Numerous studies have demonstrated a direct relationship between negative emotions and physical wellness.

In her breakthrough research, (which is documented in her book, “Molecules of Emotion”), Dr. Candice Pert found that thoughts and feelings release in the human body, hormones called neuro-peptides. These neuro-peptides enter the bloodstream and lock onto receptor cells of certain organs. Body parts, therefore, store emotions.If negative, will ultimately have a debilitating effect on one’s physical being.

The reason that an unforgiving spirit is so devastating is that it keeps one in an unrelieved state of turmoil, with emotional hurt and pain triggered off repeatedly. Again and again more and more negative emotions are stored in the body until a point is reached where organs become overloaded, requiring medical intervention. Such interventions, however, typically deal with symptoms rather than the cause.

There have been many studies that confirm the direct relationship between negative emotions and physical wellness. To name just one, a study published in the American Journal of Cardiology in August 1992 found direct unhealthy change in heart function brought on by anger. The authors found that hostile individuals were five times more likely to die at an early age than their peers who had learned to deal with their anger (by forgiving others and themselves) The author recommended people resolve their anger to improve health.

# Spiritual wellbeing

   Forgiveness is one of the cornerstones of spiritual wellbeing. Every major religion declares that to come into the presence of the Creator, (or whatever other names the Creator may be called), we are required to forgive.

There are six steps to forgiveness:

Step 1: Preparing to forgive

           Because forgiveness is consciously chosen, each person must be ready to release themselves from the burden of holding on to hurtful feelings.

To create conditions for readiness, understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. (See above)Then recognize that you are harming yourself mentally, physically and spiritually by refusing to let go of the past. Finally, do not expect to know why certain things happened. Simply accept that what took place happened and that it is history.

The choice now is to learn from the occurrence and either grow through it or to remain bound and unhappy because of it.

Step 2: Listing what needs to be forgiven

            There are two lists that need to be drawn up:

i)  Things you have done (or not done) that you need to forgive yourself for; and

ii) Things others have done that you need to forgive.

Step 3: Acknowledge your feelings

This step requires you to get in touch with your feelings. What specifically is behind the hurt? Are you experiencing anger, bitterness, frustration, resentment, vengefulness, hate, guilt, fear, shame or any other negative emotion? Write down your feelings, bearing in mind that many emotions may be linked to a single event.

Step 4: Recognize the part you played

            People often shift blame in an endeavour to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Step 4 requires us to examine our actions and face our inadequacies.

Note however, that while it is important to admit our faults and take responsibility for our actions there are times that we are truly victims. Examples are women who are raped, children who are battered/ sexually molested, injured parties of traumatic incidents such as terrorism, hijackings and so on. For these and other tragic occurrences, recipients had no part to play in the event.

Step 5: Learn from the experience

            With the benefit of hindsight, consider what can be learned from the experience. In what ways has it made you a wiser, a more mature or a better person?

No matter how traumatic or painful the event may have been, some purpose can be served from it. Perhaps it has made you more compassionate towards the plight of others, maybe you discovered something about yourself, and it could be that the experience led in a certain direction, you might even have needed the encounter for a reason unique to you.

Step 6: Let go and forgive  

            Having ascertained what you have learned, and maybe even how you can       benefit from your experience, the event has served its purpose.

There is no longer any reason to hold on to the negative feelings so consciously and deliberately release them.

You might want to verbalize this by letting go of it by saying something like:

“I forgive _ _ _ _ _ _ (myself or the name of the person) for having _ _ _ _ _ _ (describe the deed). From this experience I have learned _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I can release my feelings of _ _ _ _ _ _ (name the negative feelings) knowing that they no longer serve me. I am wiser, more understanding person for my experience and let go with gratitude.

The Chinese have a lovely way of visible demonstrating that they have forgiven. They rub one hand on the other vigorously as if washing their hands and then they say out loud that they forgive the person or themselves. It is symbolical of letting go of the hurt.

Another helpful thing to do is to take the written list you made and to burn it or to bury it saying out aloud that you forgive the person or yourself.

Having freed yourself from the pain of hurtful experiences, feel yourself growing lighter, and more joyful. You are now able to get on with your life without the burden of stuck negative feelings.   

Note: My blogs are forming part of a book that I am writing. Please give me constructive honest feedback as to style, grammar, spelling and content. I would appreciate it.

Stay tuned for the next blog coming soon.

  

The Frog who kissed a King

 
Do you remember the movie: "The King’s Speech”?

It is about Prince Albert who reluctantly became the King of Great Britain. His brother Prince Edward, who was first in line, abdicated. Prince Edward wanted to marry the twice divorced  American Wallis Simpson. This disqualified him from remaining the King. King George the sixth had one major problem. He stammered badly. He found it difficult to speak a sentence without stammering. For a King that is not good! Fortunately he met a frog.

After I saw the movie, I got to thinking about my life and the "stammers" I had developed.
 

What is your “stammer”?  When we were born we had no “stammers”. In the first seven years, particularly after birth, we were influenced by a number of people and institutions and experiences. The “stammer” may not be in your speech. Your “stammer” could be in some other area of your life. Through a painful experience you developed a “stammer”.





Maybe the cause of your "stammer" is that you were molested sexually or beaten or not loved or in some way treated harshly by your parents, siblings, your broader family or someone else.

Education plays a big part in our lives. Teachers can often make or break us.






The environment or political situation into which we are born affects us. If you 
were born and raised in a "squatter camp" (These are the poverty stricken areas in South Africa), or a “trailer park” (In the USA), it will influence the way you see yourself. As a result, it will influence the way you see the world. This will then be your "stammer"

In South Africa, the land of my birth, black people were treated as inferior to white people under apartheid. Many grew up thinking they were inferior to whites. Of course this is  patent nonsense. Blacks are not inferior to anyone. In fact no one is inferior to another. We are just different from each other. All people have different intellects, different gifts,different abilities, different cultures. However no one is inferior to another. We are all created equal. Different gifts, different intelligences  and different emotional intelligences.
This within the white population or the black population or any other population.
     

Most South Africans have developed a "stammer” as a result of apartheid.


This has affected both the 'oppressed' and the 'oppressor' from the apartheid era.

In 1992 Nelson Mandela was released from prison. This was a major turning point for South Africa. Nelson Mandela spent 26 years in prison. Then in 1995 elections were held and South Africa became a democratic country. Immediately black people became legally equal to white people. Unfortunately the psychological effects take a long time to heal. As Martin Luther King said: "We may have the legal right to sit on the same bench as white people but you cant make either of us love each other"





Still today psychological and spiritual healing is taking place.
South Africans feel the effects of  what the apartheid system had on the country. Many black people still have a feeling of being inferior to white people.
This has given them a psychological "stammer". Many White people have also been psychological affected. They too have a  "stammer". Some still feel blacks are inferior to whites. All South Africans are struggling to come to terms with the past. The heart of racism is seeing people as less than "us"


 

"The fairest Cape of all" Sir Francis Drake
  Cape Town,South Africa.                                      

The media influences us and can give us a "stammer". Even religion can affect us negatively and give us a "stammer"
The belief systems of our parents can give us a "stammer".My father used to say to me when I wanted money: “Do you think I am Rockefeller my boy"? My mother said: “Do you think money grows on trees”? As a result I developed a “stammer” about money. For a long time I thought that money was scarce. I developed a “money  scarcity" belief. Money is not scarce. Money is always flowing, even in a recession. It is just that a minority of people have it. The people with an abundance mentality have it. How do you view money? Whatever way you do, the chances are that it has become your reality.

 Prince Albert who became King George the sixth was fortunate to find someone who helped him to speak reasonable fluently. He was also the King’s one real male friend. He helped the King to overcome his lack of confidence. The man who helped him was an average man with no qualifications, position or money. He was a bit of a frog. Remember the fairy tale where the Princess kisses the frog and he turns into a Prince? Well this was the opposite way around. A frog “kissed” a Prince and he became King! The Prince, when he was 5 years old developed his stammer. His father was very critical of Albert. One of his nanny's



was extremely harsh on him. That broke down his confidence in himself. Stammering is usually connected to a lack self-belief resulting in a lack of self-confidence.




When I was in Grade 8 at school , I developed a “stammer”. Mrs. Stonier was my Mathematics teacher. From the moment she set eyes on me she didn’t like me. She asked me what my name was. I told her: “John Thomas Miss”. She laughed and said it was a really stupid name. In the English tradition “John Thomas” is another name for a penis! My Father gave me the name for five reasons. 1. He was stupid.  2. He had not read “Sons and Lovers” by T.S. Elliot (This book used the name to refer to that part of the anatomy)  3. My uncle Johnny was killed in the Second World War and my father wanted me to have his name.  4. He had a sense of humor.  5. He wanted me to grow up with character. So you will understand why I changed to my second name to
Harry, when I was drafted into the South African Defence Force.


Have you ever listened to the song by Johnny Cash,
entitled: “A boy named Sue”? That will give you insight into the “stammer” I held onto for many years.

Mrs Stonier  continually called me stupid.  Guess what I became ... stupid in mathematics. At the end of the first term, (January – March), I got the lowest mark ever for mathematics at that school. I got five percent. I attended a prestigious boys only school, which made it more difficult. Do you know how little mathematics I knew
to get that percentage? If you just write your name on the examination paper, they give you five percent!  I think  I still hold the record for the lowest mark in mathematics. Mrs Stonier didn’t come back after the first term. I was relieved and extremely happy.

The first day of the second term we saw a "pruned" faced man through the glass panes of the door of the mathematics class. It was Mr Coventry. He was in his late seventies. It was difficult to find young mathematics teachers in those days. The class of boys thought that we were going to have real fun with him! He surprised us all. He was a kind and caring teacher. He asked my name. “John Thomas” I replied. The whole class laughed. When he heard it,he said: “That is a nice name” From today your name will be “Tommy”. He knew that my name was embarrassing. He said that I looked liked a mathematician. The classed roared with laughter. He obviously hadn’t seen the marks! My “stammer” was a lack of self-belief. Mr Coventry helped me to find that belief in myself again. He affirmed me and helped me with mathematics. At the end of the year my marks improved to such an extent that I came second in a class of twenty five. Mr Coventry was my "princess" and he “kissed” me with kindness, care and his belief in me. I lost my “frogginess” and emerged from my murky pool of low grades in mathematics to become a mathematician.

The same year I was forced to stay with my brother. He was thirteen years older than me. A lot happened that year! He was a mathematical wizard. He attended Syracuse University, New York. He came top of his class. So to him I was stupid. He physically beat me up for about six months whenever I didn’t do well at school. If I didn’t get up early enough he threw a bucket of water over my head in bed. My self-esteem became another “stammer”. 

The question is what is your “stammer”? It’s never too late to change from being a frog living in a murky pool to being a King living in a castle. History is
littered with examples.

How do you do it? How do you move from being a frog to being a King?
How do you shed your "stammer"?

Here are a few useful ideas:

1. Maybe look at the new school of psychology for some help.

Neuro Linguistic Programing says that you can change and you can change fast. It says that it isn’t about your past but about the now and the future. NLP says that you need to insert new software into your brain. Google Paul McKenna and watch this technique at work in bringing about change.

2. Read books. Below are some examples.
“Awaken the Giant within” by Anthony Robins, “The NLP Coach” by Ian McDermott & Wendy Jago,”The Breakthrough Experience” by Dr. John F. Demartini, “Frogs into Princes”  by Richard Bandler & John Grinder, “Feel the Fear & do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers,to mention a few.

3. Challenge the inner critic all the time:

The voice of a teacher, a parent or a sibling or whoever in your head.
Most of it is rubbish. Don’t allow these people to live rent free in your head! Evict them!

Observe you’re self-talk. Are you continually negative about yourself? Put an end to this kind of self-talk. Be kind to yourself.

4. Forgive yourself and others.
More about this in the next blog.

5. Find a mentor or coach 
Someone you can trust to help you find your path in life. Someone to give you honest feedback about yourself.

6. Get counselling.
Find a professional counsellor.(British spelling)
Someone who you can relate to.

7. Live in the present.
Let go of the past. It is history and you can’t change it. However you can affect the future by what you do today.





Do not go through your life living with your “stammer”. Do something about it. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

Stay tuned for – “How to forgive”